The title of today’s newsletter might rub you the wrong way — after all, who am I to judge?
But if we’re being completely honest, we all judge. After all, we need to determine if a person is trustworthy, and is who they claim to be. The only way to do that is to evaluate the information they give us.
But it’s what we judge that matters.
Personally, I am absolutely uninterested in things like money, status, or followers. That doesn’t tell me anything about who a person is. Instead, I look for clues which tell me far more. And those things might surprise you!
Here are some of the clues I‘m looking for when I’m trying to learn about a person.
1. How you spend your time
If a person spends a majority of their time arguing with others on the internet, I’m going to wonder what areas of their life they are neglecting.
Unless this is part of a broad strategy to grow their brand (and let’s face it, it usually isn’t), they’re wasting time they could otherwise dedicate to their quality of life. It reveals far more about them than they probably intend. Namely, they’re not spending their time very well, so they must not have a lot going on worth spending time on.
I admire a person who is too busy to get wrapped up in pettiness.
2. Owning your life
Do you take responsibility for your life?
This is one of the biggest things I watch for, and communicates almost everything I need to know about a person. When you make poor decisions, do you take responsibility for them, or do you blame everyone and everything else? Do you learn from your mistakes? Or do you keep making the same mistakes over and over?
If I feel a person could impact my life with their bad decisions, I keep them far away from me.
3. How you communicate importance
In his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Dale Carnegie said:
“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are.”
Everyone wants to feel important. So I watch how people communicate those feelings. If they constantly show off wealth and status, I’m going to wonder why they feel this need to demonstrate social proof, especially when I know the people who actually DO have wealth and status try to be low key about it.
I look for the anti-flex, and this communicates to me someone is the real deal.
4. Your thought process
If a person stubbornly holds onto a belief or ideology in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I will have to question their judgement.
I believe how you do ANYTHING is how you do EVERYTHING. And if you make business decisions the same way you handle truth when it’s inconvenient to your beliefs, I have to start asking some tough questions about what it is you really do.
If I can’t trust your judgement, I’ll never be able to work with you.
5. How you hold a conversation
I watch people in social situations, whether online or in person.
Ever see someone talk at somebody else? Those are painful conversations. And if a person constantly jumps in to correct someone (“Actually…”), feels the need to get the last word, or always has to be right (to the point of embracing conspiracy theories), I can surmise they aren’t really interested in having a conversation with someone, but rather with themselves.
If it looks like neither of us are going to get much value out of a conversation, I’ll likely save us the time and effort, and move on to someone else.
6. Your attitude
I pay attention to a person’s attitude.
If they are always negative and constantly complain about everything that’s wrong, I am going to see them as a person who loves drama and is uninterested in improving their life. But if I see someone with a positive attitude, I know they have a tendency to solve problems, discover new opportunities, and live happier lives.
I know what I want to be around.
7. Trash talker
I appreciate useful intel when it is pertinent to my interests.
But I‘m not fond of useless gossip. If someone loves dishing drama about everyone they know — especially when the details of people’s personal lives have no bearing on mine, I’m going to wonder what they might be saying about me behind closed doors. As a result, I’ll be hesitant to share anything with them.
I don’t trust a person who betrays the trust of others simply because the gossip is good.
8. Complicity/peer pressure
I watch how people act in groups.
It’s natural to want to be accepted by others, and it’s not always easy to speak up when a group has a different opinion than you. But if you go along with the group when it decides to treat someone unfairly simply because the group leader is more popular, I hold you personally responsible for your behavior. I also view you as complicit and weak for giving into peer pressure.
I cannot respect someone who chooses loyalty of a group over doing the right thing.
9. How you disagree
I watch to see how you act when you disagree with someone.
Do you keep the conversation civil, or do you feel the need to berate, humiliate and destroy them? Do you embrace specious arguments, engage in trolling, or purposely spread misinformation? If you go low, know I’m watching, and I’m not impressed.
Demonstration of high character, on the other hand, will earn my respect.
10. The company you keep
You’ve probably heard the saying, “You are the average of the five closest people to you.”
I look at who you are surrounded by. Do you choose people who take responsibility for their lives, avoid petty drama, and have a healthy attitude? Or do you keep people around who constantly bring everyone down, gossip, or wield power unfairly in a group? Those people’s choices and behaviors affect you.
And your choices and behaviors affect me.