If Being a Vengeful Asshole is Ruining Your Life, This Mental Shift Can Save Your Soul
If you get locked into a pissing contest, you’ve already lost. Try this instead.
If you’ve ever felt like you’ve taken your anger too far, believe it or not, I actually understand what you’re going through. I’m not proud to admit this, but for a long time, I was that guy.
You see, I wouldn’t just beat a dead horse…
…I’d drag its carcass through the town square.
…Then I’d light it on fire.
…Then I’d piss on the ashes.
Once I went down the path, I just didn’t know when to stop. Nothing satisfied me. I like was Joe Pesci in Casino.
Except the only person I would end up hurting was myself. I felt compelled to punish anyone who wronged me, but none of this ever made me feel any better. I’d just waste lots of time and emotion on putting people in their place.
Not only did I not accomplish a thing, I wasn’t much fun to be around.
One day, I found a reason to stop behaving that way. I’ve chosen a much softer and more effective approach, and I have to tell you, I’m all around much happier.
If you feel like your anger gets the best of you, but don’t quite know how to avoid going down this dark path, I’d like to walk you through a thought process that might help you choose a more effective strategy.
Why vengeance?
Think of a time when someone wronged you. How did that feel?
Dig deep into this. What emotions were generated inside of you which caused you to react with vengeance?
For me, if I called someone out for their wrongdoing, and they refused to recognize their behavior or remedy the situation, I’d feel like I wasn’t being heard. I’d escalate to force them to deal with it, and it never went well.
We escalate because we feel like we’re not being heard.
What happens?
When you do this, there are two possible outcomes:
The offender acknowledges their wrongdoing and apologizes. On the surface it might seem sincere, but they were so incensed over being called out, your relationship will probably never be the same after this.
The offender doubles down, denies it’s happening, gaslights, plays the victim, builds an army of sympathizers against you, and escalates their bad behavior because your reaction gives them justification. It becomes a war.
There are no other possibilities, and no favorable outcomes.
A pissing contest will not give you the outcome you want
In other words, escalating does not lead to a positive resolution— it only results in a pissing contest.
You can’t make somebody do something. But you can easily manipulate them to do the opposite and even act against their own interests. If you give an ultimatum and tell them “Do this, or I will make you,” they will almost always respond with a statement akin to “I don’t give in to terrorism” and will do the opposite of your demands, even to their detriment.
That’s a pissing contest.
How much damage can you cause a person to inflict upon themselves before they’re forced to surrender? (spoiler: they’ll jump off a cliff before giving in.)
If your overall strategy is to get into a pissing contest, I’d advise against it. It’s a waste of energy you could be spending elsewhere.
Literally anything else is more productive.
You will not defeat them by showing the world they are a bigger asshole than you. You just make yourself look bad. Even if you make them look worse, you’re not doing yourself any favors.
You may think you have the high ground, but nobody else cares. They just see you engaging in petty drama, and that’s not a good look. So while you’re manipulating them to cause damage to themselves, you’re actually causing damage to yourself.
That’s what vengeance does.
Besides, there’s no shortage of easily manipulatable people in the world who will instantly get dragged into these pissing contests. Once they see it happening, they will pile on. They can’t help themselves.
You don’t have the energy to battle them all.
So, recognize this strategy is a dead end. Everyone loses. Even if you think you can win a pissing contest, you’ve still derailed yourself and cost time and energy you can’t afford to lose.
What do you really want?
Remember, you reacted this way because you weren’t being heard.
The first question to ask is: Is a resolution possible?
If a resolution is possible, map out what this process would look like. We already know a confrontation will not lead to a positive outcome. But if you have a peaceful conversation in an assertive way, there may be a chance to resolve the issue.
On the other hand, you may determine a resolution is not possible. The offending party may be stubborn and looking for a fight. They may be dealing with an inner conflict unrelated to you, and they ran you over in the process. Or they simply lack the emotional intelligence and self awareness to recognize the way they impact others.
In any case, knowing this will help you proceed.
How to win
If you have determined there is no chance for a positive resolution, the rest is easy.
You’ve already concluded this is a dead end. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change the outcome, so waste no more energy on it.
Establish a boundary to protect your valuable resources — your time and emotional energy. Place the person outside this boundary. You no longer have time to deal with them. Dedicate your time to things which matter. And their bullshit doesn’t matter.
Remember best defense. No be there.
— Mr. Miygai
“But how is this winning?” you may ask. “Their behavior went unanswered. They still impacted me without consequence.”
No they didn’t. You’ve accomplished two very important things.
You’ve demonstrated greater control of your emotions than they have of theirs. Self control is power. You have it. They don’t.
You’ve removed an unreasonable and self destructive person from your circle.
This might take some time to understand, and it won’t be evident overnight, but in the long term (which is where you should focus), this is a massive action.
People who don’t take responsibility for their behavior are a liability to everyone around them. In the long term, these people won’t be able to escape the consequences of their bad behavior. In the meantime, they can’t cause any more damage to you.
In reality, they’re fighting a losing battle with themselves. You’re just choosing not to be a part of it. You’ve gained the upper hand this way. You’re not allowing their problem to become your problem, and you’re not going to be dragged down by it.
Just wish them well and walk away.
Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger then that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.
You’ve established control. And you now have the power.
You have control and power over your emotional energy and where you choose to direct it. Do you see how important this is?
Eventually, they may come to understand they were in the wrong. Or they might not. Either way it’s not your problem, and you don’t have to waste any energy on it.
All the energy you saved from being wasted on them, you can invest in more productive causes, which may bear fruit and benefit you in ways you never imagined.
That’s how you win.